Never neglect date night. I know. You've got it in your heads that date night gets expensive. You want the dinner out and the fun evening out. Here's the thing, that gets old even when you can afford it. So don't worry now about how you don't even have the money for the dollar menu at McDonald's. Just find something to do together and have fun with it.
Date night is hugely important. It's a time every week for you to focus exclusively on each other. There are no distractions and if you want to you can make rules like no bringing up current arguments or boring household stuff. Just talk about you. Right now you can spend hours dreaming about your future because it's so wide open. Have fun with it.
Some of Dad and I's most romantic dates were at home dates. we put the kids to bed and I made him a nice dinner. We played music and danced in the living room with the lights turned low. Then we snuggled on the couch watching a movie we already owned. It was lovely and it didn't cost us a dime.
You are both very creative; come up with things you can do together. If you can't, there's a lot of lists on the internet that can give you ideas. Here's the one I found that sparked this post:
68 Cheap or Free Dates
Pick a day for date night and go. You might think that just because right now it's just the two of you date nights aren't that big of a deal. Date night (or afternoon!) changes the dynamic. You are more focused on each other and on your relationship. Date night keeps you friends for the long term in ways that other things can't.
Date your spouse. Always.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The Snake in Your Coat
Dear Sarah,
I know you've heard that old folk tale about the man who was walking up a mountain and came upon a snake. The snake was cold and nearly dead. The man felt sorry for it, so he picked it up and put it inside his coat where it could get warm. Not long after, the snake awoke and bit the man. The man was shocked, of course. "Why would you do that? Didn't I help you? Didn't I share my warmth with you?" Said the man. The snake responded simply, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."
And that last line from the snake is the important part. Your father and I have a standing joke. When he twits me about something, whatever it may be, I just laugh and say "you knew what I was when you married me." It's a joke and his teasing is all in good fun, but it's a really important thing to remember. We knew each other well enough when we married that we knew the other's faults. I knew he had a very relaxed view of "on time"; He knew I was wound way too tight. He knew my faults and I knew his. I knew what I was marrying.
There will be times when these faults will cause friction in your marriage. You might not think so now. I'm sure you think all his idiosyncrasies are just adorable. That's going to end. Sorry. It's the reality of life.
But here's another reality: those idiosyncrasies don't have to become the thing you hate either. You knew going into this what he was. Learn to appreciate him for what he is and let the little quirks go. For the most part, your father's relaxed view of "on time" is really part of his whole relaxed outlook on life. When I remember that, I remember what a blessing it has been to me to have a husband that can help loosen me up and be grounded when I'm stressed.
That's not to say that you never have to change or improve and if there's something that really bothers him, he's always got to get over it instead of you fixing it. That's a topic for another post though. This time it's just the little stuff I'm talking about.
Learn to see the little faults as part of a bigger picture. Learn to let go of those irritations. It's not easy, and yes, after 20 years I still get annoyed at the little stuff, but I don't let it get between us. Accept your spouse for who he is and you will have a much happier life.
Love,
Mom
I know you've heard that old folk tale about the man who was walking up a mountain and came upon a snake. The snake was cold and nearly dead. The man felt sorry for it, so he picked it up and put it inside his coat where it could get warm. Not long after, the snake awoke and bit the man. The man was shocked, of course. "Why would you do that? Didn't I help you? Didn't I share my warmth with you?" Said the man. The snake responded simply, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."
And that last line from the snake is the important part. Your father and I have a standing joke. When he twits me about something, whatever it may be, I just laugh and say "you knew what I was when you married me." It's a joke and his teasing is all in good fun, but it's a really important thing to remember. We knew each other well enough when we married that we knew the other's faults. I knew he had a very relaxed view of "on time"; He knew I was wound way too tight. He knew my faults and I knew his. I knew what I was marrying.
There will be times when these faults will cause friction in your marriage. You might not think so now. I'm sure you think all his idiosyncrasies are just adorable. That's going to end. Sorry. It's the reality of life.
But here's another reality: those idiosyncrasies don't have to become the thing you hate either. You knew going into this what he was. Learn to appreciate him for what he is and let the little quirks go. For the most part, your father's relaxed view of "on time" is really part of his whole relaxed outlook on life. When I remember that, I remember what a blessing it has been to me to have a husband that can help loosen me up and be grounded when I'm stressed.
That's not to say that you never have to change or improve and if there's something that really bothers him, he's always got to get over it instead of you fixing it. That's a topic for another post though. This time it's just the little stuff I'm talking about.
Learn to see the little faults as part of a bigger picture. Learn to let go of those irritations. It's not easy, and yes, after 20 years I still get annoyed at the little stuff, but I don't let it get between us. Accept your spouse for who he is and you will have a much happier life.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Shutting Up--Fighting Fair
Dear Sarah,
So I've talked about apologizing. It's necessary to a happy marriage because you are going to fight. It's part of life. There will times when you don't agree on something and you just can not understand why that man is being so thick in the head and doesn't see things your way. So you fight.
But you don't fight dirty.
When your father and I were engaged we had some talks about the type of marriage we wanted. We didn't want one with game playing and we didn't want one where it was "okay" to say nasty things if you were mad. Some things are much harder to forgive and so should never enter your marriage.
We all know the things that will hurt the most to say. You live with the man for years; you know his heart; you know his weaknesses; you know the things he's self conscious about. Using those things against the person you love in a fight is stepping over the line.
You don't do it. Ever. You are angry. Of course. Everyone gets angry, but everyone can still control themselves and not say that thing that can't be taken back.
Because you can't take it back. Those darts you sling at people always hit their target. They always leave a mark. Sometimes they take a long time to heal over and in the meantime you've wounded the one person you promised to care for always and you've wounded the marriage you covenanted to protect and treasure.
Fighting dirty is for children. Children who are mad they aren't getting their way and are hurt the other person doesn't think exactly like them, so they hurt back. Adults understand that everyone disagrees once in a while.
I'm not saying you'll never raise your voice. I'm not saying there should never be a day when you argue. You've heard your dad and I. We fight. I yell. (he only yells when I get him really, really riled.) But I only yell about the actual fight. I don't get mean and I don't get cruel. Cruelty is for children who aren't ready to be married yet.
Take the time when you're dating to talk about fights. Make sure the man you marry wants to be a grown up with you and understands that fighting dirty doesn't belong in marriage.
Love,
Mom
So I've talked about apologizing. It's necessary to a happy marriage because you are going to fight. It's part of life. There will times when you don't agree on something and you just can not understand why that man is being so thick in the head and doesn't see things your way. So you fight.
But you don't fight dirty.
When your father and I were engaged we had some talks about the type of marriage we wanted. We didn't want one with game playing and we didn't want one where it was "okay" to say nasty things if you were mad. Some things are much harder to forgive and so should never enter your marriage.
We all know the things that will hurt the most to say. You live with the man for years; you know his heart; you know his weaknesses; you know the things he's self conscious about. Using those things against the person you love in a fight is stepping over the line.
You don't do it. Ever. You are angry. Of course. Everyone gets angry, but everyone can still control themselves and not say that thing that can't be taken back.
Because you can't take it back. Those darts you sling at people always hit their target. They always leave a mark. Sometimes they take a long time to heal over and in the meantime you've wounded the one person you promised to care for always and you've wounded the marriage you covenanted to protect and treasure.
Fighting dirty is for children. Children who are mad they aren't getting their way and are hurt the other person doesn't think exactly like them, so they hurt back. Adults understand that everyone disagrees once in a while.
I'm not saying you'll never raise your voice. I'm not saying there should never be a day when you argue. You've heard your dad and I. We fight. I yell. (he only yells when I get him really, really riled.) But I only yell about the actual fight. I don't get mean and I don't get cruel. Cruelty is for children who aren't ready to be married yet.
Take the time when you're dating to talk about fights. Make sure the man you marry wants to be a grown up with you and understands that fighting dirty doesn't belong in marriage.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Speaking Up--Appologizing
Many, many years ago when your father and I first married, I had a habit of picking fights. I know, you're just shocked. Yeah. No surprises there, but I was more insecure and we hadn't really worked out the kinks yet in our relationship. It was barely a year old at that point, after all.
One night after a fight, I was laying in bed crying. I was laying there next to a man who didn't kiss me goodnight and didn't speak to me at all as we went to bed. He was poker straight on his side; our toes didn't even touch. As I laid there, I felt sure I had made a mistake. I just knew he was regretting marrying me and he was incredibly unhappy and we were going to be one of those sad, sad couples who divorce after a year of marriage, even though he had said nothing that indicated that at any point that evening. It's just the way my brain is wired.
In desperation, I rolled on to my side and laid my head on his shoulder. He hugged me and I said, "I'm sorry." He apologized too and kissed the top of my head. He wasn't avoiding me. He didn't hate me. He was just giving me space to get over being mad. When I apologized he knew the fight was over and we could get back to being us.
Speaking up in marriage is sometimes about swallowing your pride and speaking first. If there has been a fight, you both have something to apologize for. So speak up. Say you're sorry. Apologize for raising your voice, or whatever it is you need to apologize for. If he's using his head, he'll apologize back. You can move on and work out whatever needs to be worked out like rational adults.
I know you've seen your dad and I argue, and yes, I do need space after an argument to calm down and get back to being a grown up. I'm afraid we haven't shown you the making up part of being grown ups enough. No, not that! The part you should have seen is the part where we both say, "I was stupid. I'm sorry. Let's not do that again." It's a huge part of marriage. Because you can't have a good marriage if you can't apologize. Grudges and keeping score just undermine your relationship. Being right is all about pride and not in any way about love.
Speaking up first is hard, especially if you are sure you were right. And even though the possessive form of it is spelled its without the apostrophe, it was a pretty stupid thing to get worked up over. Or whether or not the garbage was taken out. Or who has the keys to which car. Because most of the time the fights are stupid. Haven't heard that one before? It's true. Stupid crap that really have no business undermining your marriage.
Don't let them. Speak up and apologize.
One night after a fight, I was laying in bed crying. I was laying there next to a man who didn't kiss me goodnight and didn't speak to me at all as we went to bed. He was poker straight on his side; our toes didn't even touch. As I laid there, I felt sure I had made a mistake. I just knew he was regretting marrying me and he was incredibly unhappy and we were going to be one of those sad, sad couples who divorce after a year of marriage, even though he had said nothing that indicated that at any point that evening. It's just the way my brain is wired.
In desperation, I rolled on to my side and laid my head on his shoulder. He hugged me and I said, "I'm sorry." He apologized too and kissed the top of my head. He wasn't avoiding me. He didn't hate me. He was just giving me space to get over being mad. When I apologized he knew the fight was over and we could get back to being us.
Speaking up in marriage is sometimes about swallowing your pride and speaking first. If there has been a fight, you both have something to apologize for. So speak up. Say you're sorry. Apologize for raising your voice, or whatever it is you need to apologize for. If he's using his head, he'll apologize back. You can move on and work out whatever needs to be worked out like rational adults.
I know you've seen your dad and I argue, and yes, I do need space after an argument to calm down and get back to being a grown up. I'm afraid we haven't shown you the making up part of being grown ups enough. No, not that! The part you should have seen is the part where we both say, "I was stupid. I'm sorry. Let's not do that again." It's a huge part of marriage. Because you can't have a good marriage if you can't apologize. Grudges and keeping score just undermine your relationship. Being right is all about pride and not in any way about love.
Speaking up first is hard, especially if you are sure you were right. And even though the possessive form of it is spelled its without the apostrophe, it was a pretty stupid thing to get worked up over. Or whether or not the garbage was taken out. Or who has the keys to which car. Because most of the time the fights are stupid. Haven't heard that one before? It's true. Stupid crap that really have no business undermining your marriage.
Don't let them. Speak up and apologize.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Dear Sarah,
There are a lot of people who will tell you that "sometimes love isn't enough" or that falling out of love happens to everyone. I even read an article once where a woman stated that because you aren't the same person at 40 as you are at 20 you should just expect that you'll want to be married to a different person at 40 than you married in your 20s. She postulated that it's perfectly natural to have different spouses for different stages of your life. She'd been divorced five times.
Garbage. All of it.
Because here's the big secret: the Beatles were right. All you need is love and love is all you need.
It just has to be true love. All too often in life we define caring about another person as love. That's nice until you want to marry someone you care about. Caring isn't enough. Lust, friendship, warm feelings, all of that isn't enough. That is the marriage that will fall apart in five years.
Love means valuing the other person above yourself, above everything and everyone else in your life. When you love, what they want becomes more important that what you want. And that works because they value you more than everyone and everything else and your wants and needs are the most important thing to them. Your love balances each other and because you put each other first you each get priority in the relationship.
Love greases all the rusty little cogs of marriage. A disagreement is easier to resolve. Finding time for one another is easier. Forgiving is easier. Not hurting each other in the first place is easier.
This is what you are looking for. Not just someone you can't live without, or someone who's a great kisser and fun to be around. You're looking for a partner, a best friend, and the center of your world who makes you the center of his.
When you are centered together, everything balances.
Good luck. Take your time choosing, because making the right choice first makes marriage easier from the start.
There are a lot of people who will tell you that "sometimes love isn't enough" or that falling out of love happens to everyone. I even read an article once where a woman stated that because you aren't the same person at 40 as you are at 20 you should just expect that you'll want to be married to a different person at 40 than you married in your 20s. She postulated that it's perfectly natural to have different spouses for different stages of your life. She'd been divorced five times.
Garbage. All of it.
Because here's the big secret: the Beatles were right. All you need is love and love is all you need.
It just has to be true love. All too often in life we define caring about another person as love. That's nice until you want to marry someone you care about. Caring isn't enough. Lust, friendship, warm feelings, all of that isn't enough. That is the marriage that will fall apart in five years.
Love means valuing the other person above yourself, above everything and everyone else in your life. When you love, what they want becomes more important that what you want. And that works because they value you more than everyone and everything else and your wants and needs are the most important thing to them. Your love balances each other and because you put each other first you each get priority in the relationship.
Love greases all the rusty little cogs of marriage. A disagreement is easier to resolve. Finding time for one another is easier. Forgiving is easier. Not hurting each other in the first place is easier.
This is what you are looking for. Not just someone you can't live without, or someone who's a great kisser and fun to be around. You're looking for a partner, a best friend, and the center of your world who makes you the center of his.
When you are centered together, everything balances.
Good luck. Take your time choosing, because making the right choice first makes marriage easier from the start.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
To start
Dear Sarah,
18 years was not long enough to teach you all the things I wanted you to know. Maybe if I had done a better job while you were here, I could have fit it all in. But then there are stories and lessons that you didn't really need before now.
The one thing I worry about the most is did we teach you how to have a happy marriage? It makes all the difference. You can have a good life without one, but with one . . . nothing compares. Your father heals my heart daily. His presence and his love have made my life beautiful. My fondest wish for you is that you find someone to love you the way your Daddy loves me.
So here is this. A letter a week about marriage. I know, you're just 18 and you have a few years before you need to worry about it. The thing is, there is a lot to say. I intend to talk about dating, love, conflict resolution, and speaking your mind. But really I'm going to share the secret to a happy marriage. It's really simple:
Speak up.
Shut up.
The secret is learning when to do which. That's what these letters are about.
Love you. Miss you.
Mom
18 years was not long enough to teach you all the things I wanted you to know. Maybe if I had done a better job while you were here, I could have fit it all in. But then there are stories and lessons that you didn't really need before now.
The one thing I worry about the most is did we teach you how to have a happy marriage? It makes all the difference. You can have a good life without one, but with one . . . nothing compares. Your father heals my heart daily. His presence and his love have made my life beautiful. My fondest wish for you is that you find someone to love you the way your Daddy loves me.
So here is this. A letter a week about marriage. I know, you're just 18 and you have a few years before you need to worry about it. The thing is, there is a lot to say. I intend to talk about dating, love, conflict resolution, and speaking your mind. But really I'm going to share the secret to a happy marriage. It's really simple:
Speak up.
Shut up.
The secret is learning when to do which. That's what these letters are about.
Love you. Miss you.
Mom
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