Dear Sarah,
I know you've heard that old folk tale about the man who was walking up a mountain and came upon a snake. The snake was cold and nearly dead. The man felt sorry for it, so he picked it up and put it inside his coat where it could get warm. Not long after, the snake awoke and bit the man. The man was shocked, of course. "Why would you do that? Didn't I help you? Didn't I share my warmth with you?" Said the man. The snake responded simply, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."
And that last line from the snake is the important part. Your father and I have a standing joke. When he twits me about something, whatever it may be, I just laugh and say "you knew what I was when you married me." It's a joke and his teasing is all in good fun, but it's a really important thing to remember. We knew each other well enough when we married that we knew the other's faults. I knew he had a very relaxed view of "on time"; He knew I was wound way too tight. He knew my faults and I knew his. I knew what I was marrying.
There will be times when these faults will cause friction in your marriage. You might not think so now. I'm sure you think all his idiosyncrasies are just adorable. That's going to end. Sorry. It's the reality of life.
But here's another reality: those idiosyncrasies don't have to become the thing you hate either. You knew going into this what he was. Learn to appreciate him for what he is and let the little quirks go. For the most part, your father's relaxed view of "on time" is really part of his whole relaxed outlook on life. When I remember that, I remember what a blessing it has been to me to have a husband that can help loosen me up and be grounded when I'm stressed.
That's not to say that you never have to change or improve and if there's something that really bothers him, he's always got to get over it instead of you fixing it. That's a topic for another post though. This time it's just the little stuff I'm talking about.
Learn to see the little faults as part of a bigger picture. Learn to let go of those irritations. It's not easy, and yes, after 20 years I still get annoyed at the little stuff, but I don't let it get between us. Accept your spouse for who he is and you will have a much happier life.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Shutting Up--Fighting Fair
Dear Sarah,
So I've talked about apologizing. It's necessary to a happy marriage because you are going to fight. It's part of life. There will times when you don't agree on something and you just can not understand why that man is being so thick in the head and doesn't see things your way. So you fight.
But you don't fight dirty.
When your father and I were engaged we had some talks about the type of marriage we wanted. We didn't want one with game playing and we didn't want one where it was "okay" to say nasty things if you were mad. Some things are much harder to forgive and so should never enter your marriage.
We all know the things that will hurt the most to say. You live with the man for years; you know his heart; you know his weaknesses; you know the things he's self conscious about. Using those things against the person you love in a fight is stepping over the line.
You don't do it. Ever. You are angry. Of course. Everyone gets angry, but everyone can still control themselves and not say that thing that can't be taken back.
Because you can't take it back. Those darts you sling at people always hit their target. They always leave a mark. Sometimes they take a long time to heal over and in the meantime you've wounded the one person you promised to care for always and you've wounded the marriage you covenanted to protect and treasure.
Fighting dirty is for children. Children who are mad they aren't getting their way and are hurt the other person doesn't think exactly like them, so they hurt back. Adults understand that everyone disagrees once in a while.
I'm not saying you'll never raise your voice. I'm not saying there should never be a day when you argue. You've heard your dad and I. We fight. I yell. (he only yells when I get him really, really riled.) But I only yell about the actual fight. I don't get mean and I don't get cruel. Cruelty is for children who aren't ready to be married yet.
Take the time when you're dating to talk about fights. Make sure the man you marry wants to be a grown up with you and understands that fighting dirty doesn't belong in marriage.
Love,
Mom
So I've talked about apologizing. It's necessary to a happy marriage because you are going to fight. It's part of life. There will times when you don't agree on something and you just can not understand why that man is being so thick in the head and doesn't see things your way. So you fight.
But you don't fight dirty.
When your father and I were engaged we had some talks about the type of marriage we wanted. We didn't want one with game playing and we didn't want one where it was "okay" to say nasty things if you were mad. Some things are much harder to forgive and so should never enter your marriage.
We all know the things that will hurt the most to say. You live with the man for years; you know his heart; you know his weaknesses; you know the things he's self conscious about. Using those things against the person you love in a fight is stepping over the line.
You don't do it. Ever. You are angry. Of course. Everyone gets angry, but everyone can still control themselves and not say that thing that can't be taken back.
Because you can't take it back. Those darts you sling at people always hit their target. They always leave a mark. Sometimes they take a long time to heal over and in the meantime you've wounded the one person you promised to care for always and you've wounded the marriage you covenanted to protect and treasure.
Fighting dirty is for children. Children who are mad they aren't getting their way and are hurt the other person doesn't think exactly like them, so they hurt back. Adults understand that everyone disagrees once in a while.
I'm not saying you'll never raise your voice. I'm not saying there should never be a day when you argue. You've heard your dad and I. We fight. I yell. (he only yells when I get him really, really riled.) But I only yell about the actual fight. I don't get mean and I don't get cruel. Cruelty is for children who aren't ready to be married yet.
Take the time when you're dating to talk about fights. Make sure the man you marry wants to be a grown up with you and understands that fighting dirty doesn't belong in marriage.
Love,
Mom
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