Shutting Up--Fighting Fair

Dear Sarah,

So I've talked about apologizing.  It's necessary to a happy marriage because you are going to fight.  It's part of life.  There will times when you don't agree on something and you just can not understand why that man is being so thick in the head and doesn't see things your way.  So you fight.

But you don't fight dirty.

When your father and I were engaged we had some talks about the type of marriage we wanted.  We didn't want one with game playing and we didn't want one where it was "okay" to say nasty things if you were mad.  Some things are much harder to forgive and so should never enter your marriage.

We all know the things that will hurt the most to say.  You live with the man for years; you know his heart; you know his weaknesses; you know the things he's self conscious about.   Using those things against the person you love in a fight is stepping over the line.

You don't do it.  Ever.  You are angry.  Of course.  Everyone gets angry, but everyone can still control themselves and not say that thing that can't be taken back.

Because you can't take it back.  Those darts you sling at people always hit their target.  They always leave a mark.  Sometimes they take a long time to heal over and in the meantime you've wounded the one person you promised to care for always and you've wounded the marriage you covenanted to protect and treasure.

Fighting dirty is for children.  Children who are mad they aren't getting their way and are hurt the other person doesn't think exactly like them, so they hurt back.   Adults understand that everyone disagrees once in a while.

I'm not saying you'll never raise your voice.  I'm not saying there should never be a day when you argue.  You've heard your dad and I.  We fight. I yell. (he only yells when I get him really, really riled.)  But I only yell about the actual fight.  I don't get mean and I don't get cruel.  Cruelty is for children who aren't ready to be married yet.

Take the time when you're dating to talk about fights.  Make sure the man you marry wants to be a grown up with you and understands that fighting dirty doesn't belong in marriage.

Love,

Mom