The Snake in Your Coat

Dear Sarah,

I know you've heard that old folk tale about the man who was walking up a mountain and came upon a snake.  The snake was cold and nearly dead.   The man felt sorry for it, so he picked it up and put it inside his coat where it could get warm.   Not long after, the snake awoke and bit the man.  The man was shocked, of course.  "Why would you do that?  Didn't I help you? Didn't I share my warmth with you?" Said the man.  The snake responded simply, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

And that last line from the snake is the important part.  Your father and I have a standing joke.   When he twits me about something, whatever it may be, I just laugh and say "you knew what I was when you married me."  It's a joke and his teasing is all in good fun, but it's a really important thing to remember.  We knew each other well enough when we married that we knew the other's faults.  I knew he had a very relaxed view of "on time"; He knew I was wound way too tight.  He knew my faults and I knew his.  I knew what I was marrying.

There will be times when these faults will cause friction in your marriage.  You might not think so now.  I'm sure you think all his idiosyncrasies are just adorable.  That's going to end.  Sorry.  It's the reality of life.

But here's another reality:  those idiosyncrasies don't have to become the thing you hate either.  You knew going into this what he was.  Learn to appreciate him for what he is and let the little quirks go.  For the most part, your father's relaxed view of "on time" is really part of his whole relaxed outlook on life.  When I remember that, I remember what a blessing it has been to me to have a husband that can help loosen me up and be grounded when I'm stressed.

That's not to say that you never have to change or improve and if there's something that really bothers him, he's always got to get over it instead of you fixing it.  That's a topic for another post though.  This time it's just the little stuff I'm talking about.

Learn to see the little faults as part of a bigger picture.  Learn to let go of those irritations.  It's not easy, and yes, after 20 years I still get annoyed at the little stuff, but I don't let it get between us.  Accept your spouse for who he is and you will have a much happier life.  

Love,

Mom