Many, many years ago when your father and I first married, I had a habit of picking fights. I know, you're just shocked. Yeah. No surprises there, but I was more insecure and we hadn't really worked out the kinks yet in our relationship. It was barely a year old at that point, after all.
One night after a fight, I was laying in bed crying. I was laying there next to a man who didn't kiss me goodnight and didn't speak to me at all as we went to bed. He was poker straight on his side; our toes didn't even touch. As I laid there, I felt sure I had made a mistake. I just knew he was regretting marrying me and he was incredibly unhappy and we were going to be one of those sad, sad couples who divorce after a year of marriage, even though he had said nothing that indicated that at any point that evening. It's just the way my brain is wired.
In desperation, I rolled on to my side and laid my head on his shoulder. He hugged me and I said, "I'm sorry." He apologized too and kissed the top of my head. He wasn't avoiding me. He didn't hate me. He was just giving me space to get over being mad. When I apologized he knew the fight was over and we could get back to being us.
Speaking up in marriage is sometimes about swallowing your pride and speaking first. If there has been a fight, you both have something to apologize for. So speak up. Say you're sorry. Apologize for raising your voice, or whatever it is you need to apologize for. If he's using his head, he'll apologize back. You can move on and work out whatever needs to be worked out like rational adults.
I know you've seen your dad and I argue, and yes, I do need space after an argument to calm down and get back to being a grown up. I'm afraid we haven't shown you the making up part of being grown ups enough. No, not that! The part you should have seen is the part where we both say, "I was stupid. I'm sorry. Let's not do that again." It's a huge part of marriage. Because you can't have a good marriage if you can't apologize. Grudges and keeping score just undermine your relationship. Being right is all about pride and not in any way about love.
Speaking up first is hard, especially if you are sure you were right. And even though the possessive form of it is spelled its without the apostrophe, it was a pretty stupid thing to get worked up over. Or whether or not the garbage was taken out. Or who has the keys to which car. Because most of the time the fights are stupid. Haven't heard that one before? It's true. Stupid crap that really have no business undermining your marriage.
Don't let them. Speak up and apologize.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Dear Sarah,
There are a lot of people who will tell you that "sometimes love isn't enough" or that falling out of love happens to everyone. I even read an article once where a woman stated that because you aren't the same person at 40 as you are at 20 you should just expect that you'll want to be married to a different person at 40 than you married in your 20s. She postulated that it's perfectly natural to have different spouses for different stages of your life. She'd been divorced five times.
Garbage. All of it.
Because here's the big secret: the Beatles were right. All you need is love and love is all you need.
It just has to be true love. All too often in life we define caring about another person as love. That's nice until you want to marry someone you care about. Caring isn't enough. Lust, friendship, warm feelings, all of that isn't enough. That is the marriage that will fall apart in five years.
Love means valuing the other person above yourself, above everything and everyone else in your life. When you love, what they want becomes more important that what you want. And that works because they value you more than everyone and everything else and your wants and needs are the most important thing to them. Your love balances each other and because you put each other first you each get priority in the relationship.
Love greases all the rusty little cogs of marriage. A disagreement is easier to resolve. Finding time for one another is easier. Forgiving is easier. Not hurting each other in the first place is easier.
This is what you are looking for. Not just someone you can't live without, or someone who's a great kisser and fun to be around. You're looking for a partner, a best friend, and the center of your world who makes you the center of his.
When you are centered together, everything balances.
Good luck. Take your time choosing, because making the right choice first makes marriage easier from the start.
There are a lot of people who will tell you that "sometimes love isn't enough" or that falling out of love happens to everyone. I even read an article once where a woman stated that because you aren't the same person at 40 as you are at 20 you should just expect that you'll want to be married to a different person at 40 than you married in your 20s. She postulated that it's perfectly natural to have different spouses for different stages of your life. She'd been divorced five times.
Garbage. All of it.
Because here's the big secret: the Beatles were right. All you need is love and love is all you need.
It just has to be true love. All too often in life we define caring about another person as love. That's nice until you want to marry someone you care about. Caring isn't enough. Lust, friendship, warm feelings, all of that isn't enough. That is the marriage that will fall apart in five years.
Love means valuing the other person above yourself, above everything and everyone else in your life. When you love, what they want becomes more important that what you want. And that works because they value you more than everyone and everything else and your wants and needs are the most important thing to them. Your love balances each other and because you put each other first you each get priority in the relationship.
Love greases all the rusty little cogs of marriage. A disagreement is easier to resolve. Finding time for one another is easier. Forgiving is easier. Not hurting each other in the first place is easier.
This is what you are looking for. Not just someone you can't live without, or someone who's a great kisser and fun to be around. You're looking for a partner, a best friend, and the center of your world who makes you the center of his.
When you are centered together, everything balances.
Good luck. Take your time choosing, because making the right choice first makes marriage easier from the start.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
To start
Dear Sarah,
18 years was not long enough to teach you all the things I wanted you to know. Maybe if I had done a better job while you were here, I could have fit it all in. But then there are stories and lessons that you didn't really need before now.
The one thing I worry about the most is did we teach you how to have a happy marriage? It makes all the difference. You can have a good life without one, but with one . . . nothing compares. Your father heals my heart daily. His presence and his love have made my life beautiful. My fondest wish for you is that you find someone to love you the way your Daddy loves me.
So here is this. A letter a week about marriage. I know, you're just 18 and you have a few years before you need to worry about it. The thing is, there is a lot to say. I intend to talk about dating, love, conflict resolution, and speaking your mind. But really I'm going to share the secret to a happy marriage. It's really simple:
Speak up.
Shut up.
The secret is learning when to do which. That's what these letters are about.
Love you. Miss you.
Mom
18 years was not long enough to teach you all the things I wanted you to know. Maybe if I had done a better job while you were here, I could have fit it all in. But then there are stories and lessons that you didn't really need before now.
The one thing I worry about the most is did we teach you how to have a happy marriage? It makes all the difference. You can have a good life without one, but with one . . . nothing compares. Your father heals my heart daily. His presence and his love have made my life beautiful. My fondest wish for you is that you find someone to love you the way your Daddy loves me.
So here is this. A letter a week about marriage. I know, you're just 18 and you have a few years before you need to worry about it. The thing is, there is a lot to say. I intend to talk about dating, love, conflict resolution, and speaking your mind. But really I'm going to share the secret to a happy marriage. It's really simple:
Speak up.
Shut up.
The secret is learning when to do which. That's what these letters are about.
Love you. Miss you.
Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)