Many, many years ago when your father and I first married, I had a habit of picking fights. I know, you're just shocked. Yeah. No surprises there, but I was more insecure and we hadn't really worked out the kinks yet in our relationship. It was barely a year old at that point, after all.
One night after a fight, I was laying in bed crying. I was laying there next to a man who didn't kiss me goodnight and didn't speak to me at all as we went to bed. He was poker straight on his side; our toes didn't even touch. As I laid there, I felt sure I had made a mistake. I just knew he was regretting marrying me and he was incredibly unhappy and we were going to be one of those sad, sad couples who divorce after a year of marriage, even though he had said nothing that indicated that at any point that evening. It's just the way my brain is wired.
In desperation, I rolled on to my side and laid my head on his shoulder. He hugged me and I said, "I'm sorry." He apologized too and kissed the top of my head. He wasn't avoiding me. He didn't hate me. He was just giving me space to get over being mad. When I apologized he knew the fight was over and we could get back to being us.
Speaking up in marriage is sometimes about swallowing your pride and speaking first. If there has been a fight, you both have something to apologize for. So speak up. Say you're sorry. Apologize for raising your voice, or whatever it is you need to apologize for. If he's using his head, he'll apologize back. You can move on and work out whatever needs to be worked out like rational adults.
I know you've seen your dad and I argue, and yes, I do need space after an argument to calm down and get back to being a grown up. I'm afraid we haven't shown you the making up part of being grown ups enough. No, not that! The part you should have seen is the part where we both say, "I was stupid. I'm sorry. Let's not do that again." It's a huge part of marriage. Because you can't have a good marriage if you can't apologize. Grudges and keeping score just undermine your relationship. Being right is all about pride and not in any way about love.
Speaking up first is hard, especially if you are sure you were right. And even though the possessive form of it is spelled its without the apostrophe, it was a pretty stupid thing to get worked up over. Or whether or not the garbage was taken out. Or who has the keys to which car. Because most of the time the fights are stupid. Haven't heard that one before? It's true. Stupid crap that really have no business undermining your marriage.
Don't let them. Speak up and apologize.
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